Sometimes when I hear people confiding to me and say they have no clue what they want in their lives, it made me think about mine too.

Here I am, hearing their confessions about still finding the right path to what they are truly looking for and I think I am more at lost than they are. Or am I really?

To be honest, I have done many things I would never have thought to ever do in my life and that thought alone made me smile and feel thankful for. I cannot deny there is this void, one way or another is still looking to be filled/rented or sold whichever possible. I am at this point, is pretty darn happy with who and what I am. Of course I am still eager to improve, to make the most of my capabilities to be the better being. The need to search is a good sign that you still have the desire to fulfill your highest possibilities. That's what I think tho.

I could list the things I am at awe when I looked back at my life, the current 9 months I have achieved but that would mean 30 days x 9 months of eye opening experiences. One after another, all are special in their own rights.

The other day I saw a rainbow in the sky, behind my office. That alone lightened up my day. So one can imagine what other insanities that have changed my life thus far.

I've not stop thanking The One above for presenting such gifts every minute everyday for as long as I've been breathing. I could take pride in that despite knowing I am not His best follower but it is important to have Him in your thoughts than to just do it just because it's the way you were taught to.

To date, I have a crazy life. No doubt at all. As much as it drives me up the roof, I couldn't have asked it any differently. It is the best way I could have make it to be, and is the only way I know best.

I still have my lifelong dream to give back to others, to resonate that wonderful most insane yet incredible feelings I have in me and share it with those who are not as privileged. It is also because I am lucky enough to have people who share their world with me and make impact in my life (and they do not realised it) so..the only best way is to keep spreading this amazing emotions.

Here's to all of them, every single one of you who have been selfless in giving me the opportunity to simply live, taught me valuable life lessons, qualities and attributes. It's nothing money can buy these ones. And I'll forever owe them my life to. Really.

I could really have been the worst character of myself at this point but I didn't because I have out of this world people to guide me through, remind me who I am and what I can do. Yeap, where there's pain and sadness; He does not forget to also inject massive love (in different shapes/dimensions/levels) and happiness in it when one finally get the best out of the situation.

I'm still learning, still walking and climbing but I am able to walk with a smile on my face without faking it.

XD

"Where there's love, I'll be there" - Jackson 5's I'll be there.

Love is pretty much everywhere around us, it's just sad that many of us only see it the way we want to see it. Can you imagine to what extend one can do when love is being elevated in all sorts of ways? Monumental I'll say. Whoa.

Oh well. Keep sharing, keep spreading this joy, the joy to live and care and things will eventually fall into places. That much I believe.

I present you, The Flow.

Casting a spell wherever he goes,
It's a sight for this sore eyes,
For there is something about this guy,
Something that sets me up so high.
Flying up in the sky.

I can't figure out, not a single clue..
How is he able to draw people through
without being aware of this insane imbue
"What are you talking about? It's so not true!"
Was all his reason could come to.

Ever the gentleman,
the one with the biggest heart
who couldn't care less who takes part
in his little theater, this dramatic art.
While I sit here, watching it come apart.

Silently praying I have no lines to go through,
I don't think I have what it takes to do
what others can do to woo.
Resigned, I witness from afar of this debut
and leave the rest to review.

"This is amazing! Like a dream coming true!"
When the story unfolded, he bowed and bid adieu.
I have nothing but happiness for this man,
Who have come so far, so close to break through
The times of his life, the life he worked hard to pursue.

"See! I told you so!" I cheered for this pro.
He throws me this look "I don't know.."
Is he for real? The one I know too well..
Sighing, I said "Just go with the flow."
It's all I could muster for him to do.


I think the muse has come to visit. My need to write whenever possible the last few days is pretty overwhelming to a point that while I was waiting for the boys at the cafe last night, I wanted to ask the Barista if he could lend me a pen for me to write on the tissue papers. The brain hasn't stop churning words. Words that make no sense put together unless crafted for a cause. And by that, I'm not saying I have planned out the perfect plot and characters because like many times before, these hands have their own minds and stories to tell.

So now they are alive and kickin'.

And I have no clue what they want to say.

Life is odd like that. I also think it's the consequences for accepting the "Going with the flow" mantra. Everyday, I am blown away by the little events that God throws in to this book of insanity. I had a talk with a good friend and I honestly can't imagine how to tell the stories of my life to the kids of the future. Of course, mine is a more subdued version compared to the others who have truly lived. Nonetheless it is my story to tell, and I think even by then the insanity would not stop happening.

Be the genius. Be the genius who keeps going with the flow. See what craziness you have made yourself put up with? Genius.

I have started wishing to take the emotions away again. By agreeing to take that away means I won't be able to write what I know most about. Emotions. Now I am torn apart. Who are we without emotions to talk about, to feel, to explore and to live? Like dusts flooding the desert, the rocks that keeps the water flowing in different direction, the clouds dancing in the sky. We would perhaps end up doing things on autopilot and keep doing it. Alot like robots.

Despite it all, I still love this crazy life I have come to nurture. The good and the not so good ones. 2009, what else do you have for me to make my jaw drop? (Why do I have a feeling I am tempting fate for saying that?)..

GOD...

THIS IS FCKING INSANE.

And I still love them all the same.

I'm so fcked.

Kaleidoscope

Giving the colours
that illuminates this life,
His aura is overwhelming..
So out of this world, it's no lie.

I'll tell you a secret,
One that no one knows about.
See that guy, the one who is walking prim out,
Occupied with a million of thoughts..

Whenever he takes a step,
the heart of many
orchestrates a thousand melodies.
Quite the gift isn't he?

That's the power,
The instrument
He never knew he has
to create the musical of his life.


My first poem after so long! I just felt so inspired while listening to Kaskade this morning. Wrote it according to how I felt, imagined and loved about. The little things that others didn't realised they have. That crème de la crème essense only so very few have. One I have a knack for detecting and cherish so much. And it is such a joy to have people who have this essence in them. The most valuable part is that, they just don't know how big of a deal it is. Just living their lives as they see fit, comfortable in their own skin and still down to earth. These are the most expensive people in the world!

It's been a while.

It's been a while since I took out this stash of awesomeness and allowed myself to indulge without a care in the world. What is this stash of awesomeness? Hed Kandi Beach House 04.02 and whatever 0.XXXX along with it. Simply indulging and marvelous.

Makes me high.

Why?

Because I woke up to the sounds of Ibiza during the summer.

I live in my own world, an open secret I cannot hide. A place I can go retreat when the stakes are high and able to feel safe knowing I have not yet lost myself in the reality.

I have always believed in the law of attractions. Everything is really in the mind. You want it, make effort for it and you will get it. That's the fundamental rule to it. Oh, not to mention, believe in it. Genuinely believe in it.

Today was exactly that. As I was going high with summer mood, I received a phone call from a really good friend who sounded ever so excited. Not knowing what the gist of the story, I played along. Little did I know the turn of event of this particular call was more than just what I thought was a casual conversation (like it has always been). This time it was a whole different, something about wanting to set me up on something potentially good. Well, in all honesty, I've done a lot of crazy things I didn't think I have in me, so this one that God decides to write into my yet another crazy chapter, I only have this to say..

Why not?

My life. This life. Is just insane.

My life is running it's own life and I'm just enjoying the flow. As long as I feel good and is good. All things shall be well eventually. Insyallah.

Eh, I kinda like Kaleidoscope now that I read it again (no no, not praising myself. I think I manage to capture the essence of what I have always been looking out for and is pretty happy with the outcome of this one.)

Apparently what thought to be just a moment of reflective mood last Thursday turned out to drag in a span of 5 days and I finally got to close that particular page. Naturally, I only realised this this morning.

I think there is a government running in my brain. Every procedure takes 4509 times longer than average. Mini me(s) all doing their own thing in there somewhere.

I've realised that I've been focusing on myself a tad too much lately and I feel like there's something missing. A missing piece to complete an entire puzzle. Thinking was what I did, and also talking to a couple of good people around. I have been restless knowing that it has been awhile since I've been doing anything random. Actually not really. I just don't know what it is but I thought perhaps something random would justify this unsatisfying feeling that's been infesting in me.

The need to shake things up, sprinkle more magic into life..just something..

Yes my need to discover life is so great, at times I am afraid that it will swallow me.

When I admitted that I've been focusing on myself more than I should have, first thing came to mind was to do some charity work. That idea pretty much settled in my mind. And I think that's the potion to my restless soul. For now. Not sure what I'll end up volunteering but yeah..it's time to give back. Especially when I've been indulging a lot more than I should made me feel a lot more emptier.

There's some other things too that's been looming in my sometimes-I-think-it's-non existent-brain..

I think it's a constant effort to surround myself with the best people with the best vibes and attitude so that it's a motivation for me to be better. Sometimes, it gets to me and therefore I have to sit down and comprehend everything from A-Z before deleting any negative vibes, just in case I had read it wrongly. Today I woke up and knew immediately the decision I will be making in regarding to this.

I told a friend about the idea of becoming your own bestfriend. It is not something I actually thought about before saying it. I simply just .. said it.

Then I analysed myself. Slowly it sank into me about the idea of "you are your own bestfriend". I don't know how I came up with such statement but it made a lot of sense after analysing it myself. One of the reason that got me to where I am today (with the zaniest mind) is that I developed this idea of becoming my own bestfriend. Who spends more time with you but yourself? Who knows you better than you? Who is there with you and is willing to listen to you even during the craziest hour?

I guess I came from a place where I needed to heal myself and before seeking help from others, I have to make amends with myself. Have to truly discover myself and then take it from there. With that comes the habit of having conversations with myself. It's like keeping things clear and making sure that I am staying focus to what I believe. Maybe decades ago, having conversations with yourself would make you look like a lunatic; these days though, its probably going to save you from drowning.

Then again, my mind and soul work utterly different compared to everyone else. Maybe, I am a lunatic at heart, who knows?

I cannot stressed out how important it is to touch base with oneself. One of the little secret I discovered on the road to recovery. Still is walking on that path.

I still can't believe where I am today, and I certainly cannot imagine where I will be in the future. Life happens. That's the only thing I can say. It just does. You let it take it's own life and many other wonderful things will fall into place.

I love reading. I love how writers are able to capture the essence of a story. I love reading New York Times articles. Simply marvellous. It provokes you with all sorts of emotions. I would like to one day be able to do something as close to that. It's as good as being there really. Especially when you know what it is like as a reader, it ultimately gives a whole deeper level in the writing. I love how it is also what makes me feel good.

Today's article is about Abroad - At the Louvre, Many Stop to Snap but Few Stay to Focus and my other favourite piece is Haarlem, a Classic Dutch City With a Village Feel. It truly captivated every particle of what it stands for. How do I know, it made me feel like I was there all over again. That's how magical it is to be able to bring someone into your world.

One day..perhaps one day, I'll be able to do just that.

It's an enlightenment to have good pieces to kill your time. In my case, sometimes, to keep my sanity at bay. I rediscovered reading when I was 19 at the age I just started blogging as well. Since then, it's been a drug to me. I could not not read something. I just have to. I want to know more. Even if it's about Dolly the sheep. The feeling of being able to learn something new is so very empowering. Although I can live without reading the local newspapers. That one, exception. Otherwise, my browser will constantly be about something to read - automobile, fanfictions, online international newspapers, wikipedia etc.

To know that others also read makes it all the more gratifying because you get to exhange ideas, beliefs and perceptions. The power of life does not only lie in the fact that you do something to live but you do something because you believe that it makes you alive.

Like this one, although it's kinda bogus but ... expect the Japanese to make something as out of this world into a culture phenomenon. Love in 2-D is perhaps one of the eye opening article I've read thus far. Learning about other people's culture is interesting. Makes you wonder how you have lived your life thus far.

Life is simply insane, if that is what you wish it to be.

Because apparently I must have. *smack head*

What else random insanity could I get myself into this time Dear God? ;)

Everyone have their own responsibility, one way or another. To their job, to their families, to their pets, friends and most importantly to themselves. We just do.

I cannot say this enough but I have no idea what lies in front of me for my own life. Ask me what is in store tomorrow, and I can tell you that, I don't even know what will happen in the next 5 minutes. Either I truly live my life by going with the flow or..actually come to think of, that's what it is.

It's not that I don't planned my life. To a certain extend I do - what I know is within my power, I will make ever effort for it to happen but 95% of the time, I let life lead me. Am I not scared about the uncertainties that comes along with that mantra? Of course, with every heartbeat I have. I just think that, at this point, whatever do come my way is perhaps the best thing to happen at that very moment. Faith is all I have and faith is what that saves me from falling 6 feet down under. I trust God that whatever happens, whatever He wants to happen is in His best interest.

Besides,....

Man propose, God dispose.

So there's really no point.

That and I've been avoiding the unavoidable for the past lifetime. It's time for me to face the music. Take the responsibility that I may not have asked but everything happens for a reason.

I'm so thankful that I went to Holland and had that piece of mind I had prayed for. Coming back to reality with things I didn't see coming making it's appearances can be overwhelming had I not went away. Ooh yeah, I could so imagine the chaos.

I guess, I'm beginning to accept and resign to fate for whatever that comes. One after another. Although I have no idea what I am here for in the first place but...yeah .. going with the flow I am.

What I am about to venture out..is going to be something I never imagined myself doing (explains the years of avoiding) and hopefully I'll be able to adapt to a whole new world. A whole new lifestyle altogether.

Made up my mind and waiting for the moment to come.

New world! I really don't know what to do with you.

Except to just keep doing what makes me happy. Loving it. Loving 2009 thus far baby.

Went for driving training last weekend. Now that's a whole different ball game altogether. Track car? What? Yeah, before I never understood why there's a need for such a thing. Nowwwwwwwwwwww I know. Epitome of fun, excitement, insanity and when all that mixed together equaled to an out of this world adrenaline rush and experience.

I approve of Elise and what it can do now on the track. Otherwise, I'll take the fine tuned engine :)

Still breathing, still smiling and still laughing. Things are just incredible. The people I have are incredible, I'm very grateful for that.

Laughter is truly the best medicine. Traveling is the cure to my wounded soul and great company will forever be the best reason to put a smile on my face. Take all this away and I have nothing to live for. My need to live my life for the better is so great, I will go to great lengths to eliminate whatever force that sends out the opposite vibe.

I suppose it is because for the most part of my life, I have dedicated my life to feed other people's needs and now, at the age of 24, I have finally arrived. Arrived to the idea that it is what makes me happy first (for the right reason) that makes life worth breathing, living, smiling and remembering.

Seven months have gone by, well almost seven months .. and I believe I have really lived the life more compared to the rest of my life. I have done so much more, at my happiest, strived for the best, did a lot of incredible most wonderful things in this seven insane months.

The joy, the insanity, just everything that brings so much happiness happens and all I have to do is live the moment. Thank the heaven above for the miracles. I would never think such life would even come, and it did and for as long as I am here, I will simply love it. Love the people I have, love the experiences, love the excitement, ... simply love it all.

For seven days, Haarlem has done more than I could ever expected to my battered soul. It was the cure I had been looking for in the past months. Despite the short holiday, I am very glad I went and enjoyed it. Enjoyed the life, the people and most importantly, happy because I was able to be myself without tying myself to any strings. It was a place I felt more home than where I am now.

I loved every milisecond of it. The feeling is just out of this world. Thank you God for making it happen, eventhough it was a last minute thing.

Coming home for a surprise elevated the wonderful feeling even more. Seeing the people who meant a lot to me was a reminder from above that life is what you make it be. Always stick to what you know is good and always have good intentions. For one day, you will never know what great things will wait for you in return.

Undercircumstances and despite the thousands of wishes of wanting to die, I feel that this part of my life is blessed with so much greatness. No one knows how impactful this part of my life has been. So impactful, everyday I thank God for the gifts he beckoned me with. No words could ever explain it. A motivation to make me want to be better and again, I know I have this many times before and I'll say it again - if I have to die today, I am glad I have lived my life. I really have.

Thank you once more dear God.