Entry: Courage the Alien. Monday, February 15, 2010



Can I at least try?

Try to put on a smile when deep inside something is not sitting well.

Try to be confident when bits and pieces are slowly shattering away.

Try to feel great just as the thoughts tangle in seven hundred knots.

I am scared of so many things. Things I have done and will be doing. The million dollar question of 'What If' always pops in my mind before anybody pointing it out to me.

I've grown up feeling inadequate in a lot of way. Not smart enough, not good enough or not nice enough. The list literally goes on. And a lot of that time, I harboured enough hatred to simply kill the spirit I have to be who I am. I don't like myself because I can't get good grades, I hate myself for being emotionally sensitive or I wished I am competitive enough to win. I just never liked who I was at that time. Always wishing I could do better or simply die in my sleep. It was hard to love myself since I could not accept myself without putting myself down. Letting others bully me and brainwash me for being less of who I could be. It was tough.

Something when I think back, I could still feel the pain, incapable of rationalising how I am still alive today.

I am in no way, shape or form perfect. Not when I have admitted things above. It was hard to know that I have a lot of flaws and seeing others flying free makes me feel a lot worst. It was as if needles were pierced to my heart. How could I see myself for who I am when other people don't?

It was an endless battle. Was not a pretty sight sometimes too.

Then years down the road slowly I opened my heart and eyes. Many would ask how I managed to do it?

I answered, I was done feeling negative and decided to be happy.

Minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years after that vow; things pretty much fell into places. Sometimes hard, sometimes not so hard. But all of it was meant for me to understand myself better, to know myself deeper and then accept that there are things I am better and some things I have to work harder. When I realised that I am making effort for myself, I got to meet people who give life to me and share with me what make them happy and I took it with an open mind.

Slowly, I started to believe in myself more.

There are still moments when I cry when I feel upset or frustrated. And I would do it without fear. There's a little part of me feeling embarrassed about this sensitive side of me in front of other people but if it is the only way I can express myself and know it only does good to my soul, I shouldn't be afraid to cry. Not anymore. I'm not scared of showing my anger if things crossed the line for me. It is who I am and it's hundred times more tiring to put up a mask and covering it than to be myself.

I couldn't thank enough for the miracles that had happened. I'm not saying I have ended my internal war; I still am fighting it. The struggles can cost pain but since I have faith with myself and God, there's always something good out of the bad things. If what I'm doing is a repeated error, it means I haven't figured out the key message.

I grow up every day. We all grow up every day. We never stop learning.

I just hope I have the support if I crash down. So far, I'm not regretting things. I have to be in this place to know that I have a lot to learn.

Maybe that's why this sensation to help others who are less fortunate is even greater. I want to share what I know and hopefully to exchange with something I don't with others. I want them to know that, there will always be light at the end of the tunnel, the sun will shine when the rain stops and accepting oneself by loving oneself is the only key to unleashing the magic in life.

Maybe the things I went through, going through and will be later on is just another way for me to communicate with others. There's always a good reason for things to happen the way it is.

And as much as it tears me in all direction, a big part of me is still very thankful to those who never stopped believing in me and giving me a chance to be myself. I honestly don't know how else to thank them besides praying for endless of blessings upon them.

It's a tough world but it's not so bad when you've got support.

I may not have everything in life but I am very lucky to have some.

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